News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Life without a bra equals bliss.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Randomize
