You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
