When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
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