I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Randomize
