Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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