i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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