He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
