Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
