You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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