Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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