so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
