i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
well, you know. whores of a feather.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
