he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
