i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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