The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
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