escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Would I do it again? Probably not but still,I don't regret a single ratchet thing I've done in college.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
