Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Randomize
