k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
