I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Randomize
