Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Randomize