Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
