i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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