We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Randomize
