Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
