he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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