well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Randomize
