do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Randomize
