Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
