I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
