Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Randomize
