I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Randomize