Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
