New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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