2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize
