Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
Randomize
