I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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