we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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