I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Randomize
