Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
im six kinds of drunk right now
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Randomize
