the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
