He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
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