I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
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