Why does Corona taste like a burp?
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Every concussion has its silver lining
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Randomize
