At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
