I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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