Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Randomize
