question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
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