you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize