His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Randomize
