I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
