Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
