every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
Randomize
