I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
