If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Randomize
