i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
Randomize
