My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Randomize
