I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
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